Yep. It’s what you think.

Two years ago, when I was new to “winter running”, I headed out on a 20 degree afternoon for a 5 mile run. At the turn-around, I turned back into the slight breeze. I was about a mile and a half from home when “something” started to feel “weird”. Here’s where the lovely run turns south.

“I think the tip of my bishop is frozen”, I thought. I didn’t know what to do. So I just kept running. I didn’t have far to go.

As the minutes wore on, I realized it was getting more and more numb. I was starting to freak a little. I’ve seen photos of what bad frostbite does to fingers. I did NOT want any of that for my John Dillinger.

I was only wearing thin “swishy” pants with boxers underneath. My legs were plenty warm. But my wombat was freezing his one eye off. I did all I could to get home ASAP.

I got through the door and dropped trou immediately. My third leg didn’t look too swell. It was all small and red. Bright red. Not a natural color. I held him in my hand as I called my wife’s cell phone – she’s a doctor. As the phone was ringing, the sensation was starting to come back. It was JUST like when you lose feeling in your fingers, but in this case, that raw and burning feeling was down there!

I told my wife what was going on. What did my loving wife do? She started laughing: “Oh, this isn’t supposed to be funny, but I can’t keep from laughing!” It WAS funny – to everyone in the world except me. Thanks Hun. I was coddling it in my hands. It was numb clear down to the base. I was whimpering. I was just like a little boy who found his little pet mouse dead, and was carrying it around as he was crying. Wait, I suppose I shouldn’t have referred to it as a “little mouse”. Oh well.

For about 10 minutes, I was not a happy camper. It was like holding an ice cube in my hand. I didn’t know what to do: “Do I run it under hot water? Do I take a bath? Do I cut it off while it’s still numb and save myself years of expensive and painful tallywacker rehab?” I was lost. I was, well, like a boy without his pixie stick. Literally.

When that hot, burning, regaining-feeling sensation had passed, I took a shower. After the shower, my little buddy had a red ring around him. It looked like an STD. I got an STD from that whore, Mother Nature. She got it from Father Time, who probably got it from that weekend he spent with Lindsey Lohan.

About 2 hours after the run, my kielbasa was back to normal. The redness was gone. The weird STD-looking rash was gone. Function had returned.

This taught me to make sure to insulate DOWN THERE during colder runs. And if it’s just too cold out, I should just stick to the treadmill.

This is a guest post from Steve Stenzel, AKA Steve in a Speedo. The photo of him below is not from the run detailed above – it’s from a 10K race in 25 below windchill. You can find out more about Steve reading his blog: http://iwannagetphysical.blogspot.com/.